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goldengateglory asked:

Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? Because I want you to write a post about Guardians of the Galaxy.


I remember the day I first saw a preview for Guardians of the Galaxy. My Marvel phase had never extended to this franchise, so almost everything about it was new to me. In the brief darkness after the trailer, there was a kind of reverent and confused silence. I touched my bro’s arm and leaned over to whisper in his ear: 

"Someone’s gonna wanna bang that raccoon.” 

Now that I’ve seen Guardians of the Galaxy, I’m more confident than ever that there are literally thousands of people on the internet who want engage in sexual congress with this raccoon. And I mean, the raccoon was easily the best part of Guardians of the Galaxy. In a sixty second monologue the drunk raccoon produced a more emotionally resonant backstory than most MCU characters to date, including the antihero of Captain America 2

I genuinely felt so bad for this sexy little guy. Has the experimentation extended his life expectancy, or is he able to engage in high level repartee and also fully aware that his raccoon biology limits his lifespan to 2-3 years in the wild? Is it difficult or embarrassing for him to order and tailor his little outfits? Does he engage in human grooming habits and if so, does he do it because of some imperative from his new higher consciousness or because some part of him just wants to fit in better? (I’m asking if the raccoon brushes his teeth.) Does the raccoon ever have romantic inclinations? I mean he’s in quite the pickle in that arena, isn’t he??? I want to see footage of the raccoon tying his tiny shoes.

I wish one of his character quirks was that he compulsively washed his weird little hands, but otherwise I was very satisfied with this Guardians of the Galaxy character, the raccoon, and would like to learn more. I hope someone more familiar with the raccoon’s canon can provide the answers to my questions.

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